You know, I feel horrible comparing  the victims of Ted Bundy and Gary Ridgeway. It came up in a conversation  and I casually said I felt worse for Bundy's victims. My friend asked  me why. I didn't know the reason until I heard myself spitting out,  "Well ... those girls sort of knew what they were getting themselves  into." Oh my God! I thought.  I can't believe that came out of my mouth! Okay  … I can, because it is partly true. Prostitutes know the risks their  career comes with. It's not even legal!

So … I decided to read about the Green River victims, and much to  my surprise, most of them weren't the hookers I’d seen on TV. They  were young girls! They were just kids who’d run away from home. They’d  ended up on the streets "dating" men for money. I could've been one of them! I'm not saying I’ve ever had sex with men  for money. However, I did run away from home when I was younger. I was  naive enough to get into strangers' cars. I can say I was lucky because  I was never killed, but most of the men who gave me rides were major  jerks! When you're that young and you've been sheltered by Mommy and  Daddy your entire life, you don't expect strangers who offer you a ride  to take advantage of you. After all, you're just a child.

I remember being picked up not even a mile away from my high school.  I was only thirteen. This man drove up to me and started talking to  me. He asked me how I was doing, and I told him I was having a horrible  day. I was angry with my parents and I hated school! I was in trouble  at home and I was suspended from school. I felt I had nowhere to go.  He told me he had a bunch of empty houses and I could stay at one until  I cooled down. I thought he was the nicest man ever! Finally, my luck  has changed. I went with him.

He didn't take me to a house though. He said something about how he  had forgotten his keys and he would take me to a house  the next day. He took me to a motel instead. I was relieved because  I thought he was going to make me spend the night at his house. I did  feel a little weird though, and I heard my boyfriend's voice in my head.  He was always telling me I was too trusting, and we fought over that  constantly. He blamed me for things that happened because I was so naive.  I thought he was an asshole at the time, but now  I see why he was angry.

Anyway, the nice man dropped  me off, and then he left. After five minutes, he came back and he was  furious when he found me on the phone with my boyfriend. I hadn't seen  a grown man that angry before, so I really started to freak out. After  he stopped yelling, he grabbed my room key and left. I had no idea if  he knew I’d seen him take the key before he left, and I wasn't going  to stick around to find out. I jumped out a window in the back as soon  as he left. I didn't want to wait around to find out if or when he was  coming back.

You’re probably thinking I went straight home after that, huh? Nope.  That was the very first time I ran away from home. There were many more  attempts and many more strangers I accepted help from. I wasn't that  different from Ridgeway's victims. I guess the only thing that saved  me was my relationship. I truly believed in being 100% faithful to my  partner. So I never hooked up on my adventures. Wow, now that I think  about it, that really may be the only thing that saved me, because I  really did some dumb things. So weird how love saves me every time I'm  in trouble but I always find myself doubting it…

What's your secret? Have you  done something you're not so proud of? Ever wished for a “do  over”? I have a feeling most of you will answer yes to these questions.  If it were up to me, I'd let everyone jump back in time just once to  fix everything. But I'm not God and I can't grant wishes. I've just  been having really shitty days lately. Mostly because I feel no one  cares and no one takes anything I say  seriously. Most days, I don't give a shit. But usually the last few  days or the first few days of the month, I get fed up and freak out.  This week, I've really been freaking out! It was one thing after another.

What's funny is the fact that I've gotten lots of emails recently telling  me how much my old blog is missed. A lot of you haven't seen that one.  It was my “Bitch Blog,” and it was a members only blog. LOL. I was  a maniac when I created that blog. I was so angry. I wouldn't want just  anyone to read those crazy thoughts. However, my readers were members  of my very first blog back in the 90's, so they didn't judge me. These  people have literally watched me grow up on the net. They always told  me how hilarious I was when I was angry. I was hilarious because I was  a kid that would get so worked up over nothing! Anyway, I'm getting  sidetracked. My reply to these emails about my old blog  is always, "I'm sorry, I've been so happy lately I lost my edge.  LOL!

Now I just want to write about  my dogs and Britney Spears." I want it to come off as a joke, but  I really sort of meant it. I haven't been angry in awhile; and if that  makes for boring writing, oh well. I'd much rather have a boring life  now than anything, because at least it means I'm not getting myself  in any more trouble. But I think I must have jinxed myself, because  as soon as I started to think my life was on its way to being normal  again, the most annoying week came by.

I'll skip over why I've been having a shitty week because I can't get  into this without putting people on blast, and I'm not trying to do  that. Fast forward to lunchtime today. I walked over to one of my favorite  restaurants to get my take-out order, and while I was sitting there  waiting for my beef noodle soup, my server and I started talking. He  brought up a conversation he’d had with two of his customers last  week. They went into the restaurant and struck up a conversation with  him sometime during their dinner. Somehow, I came up in their conversation.  They asked if he knew me, and he said yes. They then showed him my "modeling"  pics. I just flat out asked him if they were scandalous; and, of course,  his answer was yes – the answer I was expecting. At first, I was angry  at these losers. Then I got really pissed off at myself, and I hate  being the reason why I'm mad! Of course, by the end of my lunch, I was  depressed.

Don't get me wrong. I know I've made mistakes. A lot of you who have  been there from the beginning even told me I’d sold out. I started  doing more raunchy shoots … started doing things I said I was against  when I first started modeling. I know people will find my pics on the  net, and I know they'll show their friends; but never once did I think  people would ever feel the need to show my pics to random people! People  they don't even know! What could have been going through these two losers  heads? We're having dinner. Hey! Before we eat, let's show our server  some online pics we found of that girl who works across the street!  If I had been serving them, they would've gotten all sorts of extra  goodies! JK!

I’ve worked hard to put the  past behind me, and I cannot believe it's all coming back to haunt me  after so many years. I had a lot of doubts about putting VB on the net,  but I decided to do it because my shit will always be online. So, either  I put who I really am out there now, or I remain that girl on the net  that I keep running from, or I can keep hitting the pipe until all my  brain cells are fried so I won't have to remember my past. But I think  I should grow the fuck up and deal with this. This way, if people really  want to know who I am today, they'll have the option. I know putting  myself on the net again will remind people of who I once was, but if  someone chooses to judge me by my past, that's their problem. I'm sick  of hiding. With that said, if you have a website that's using any of  my photos without my permission, I'd ask you to kindly take them off.

To the two strangers, karma's a bitch! Pretty soon, your skeletons will  get dragged out of the closet. I have a feeling what you're hiding is  100x worse than what I've been running from.